Apr 25, 2008

Green's the way to go

By Malcolm Fleschner / Humor Columnist

With the passing of yet another Earth Day, more Americans than ever are beginning to wonder about the extent of the ecological crisis we may soon be facing. Is the planet really warming? Are we polluting the water we drink, the air we breathe and the earth we, um, stand on? What kind of planet will we be leaving to our children? Assuming they don't do anything to upset us so much that we decide to change our will and instead leave the Earth to, say, the local 4-H club.

Our disobedient offspring notwithstanding, Americans are concerned about the impact humans are having on the environment. We absolutely want to do whatever is necessary to address the growing crisis, just as long as we get to keep leading our comfortable consumer-based lifestyle, if possible while acquiring even more stuff. Always eager to help, the nation's advertisers have responded by affixing the environmentally friendly "green" label to everything from paper towels and adult diapers to air conditioners and medium-range nuclear missiles. Why, even the Masters golf tournament has hopped on the environmental bandwagon by awarding each year's winner a "green" jacket.

This "green" trend reminds me of the weight loss craze of the 1980s that led consumers to load up their grocery carts with any product claiming to be "low-fat." But hey, you can't argue with success, right? Thanks in part to the way we wolfed down Snackwell cookies by the boxful, as a nation we've managed to slim down to the point where most Americans no longer need to strip naked and grease down to get through the front door.

So, there's reason to be hopeful that we will be able to beat this environmental crisis yet. I'm also encouraged by the successful anti-littering campaigns of my youth, spearheaded by a Native American who appeared in TV commercials paddling his canoe around big cities. Who couldn't have been affected by the way he openly wept at seeing people throw garbage onto highways that were perfectly litter-free before the arrival of the white man?

The other key anti-litter spokesman was Woodsy Owl, who won kids over with his hip catchphrase, "Give a hoot, don't pollute!" I don't know how many times in my youth I saw a classmate about to discard a crumpled-up soda can on the ground and reproached him with a chiding, "Give a hoot, don't pollute!" Thanks to my intervention, dozens of my peers realized that instead of littering, it would be a much better idea to cram that soda can down my throat.

So the question remains, can we adapt to a more earth-friendly lifestyle without sacrificing life's simple pleasures? As with nearly all of life's major problems, the answer can be found on television. I'm speaking specifically of "Living with Ed," a reality show centered around actor and longtime electric car enthusiast Ed Begley's attempts to operate an earth-friendly household, often against the will of his more traditionally minded wife. From watching Ed, I have determined that it is, in fact, possible to "go green" while still enjoying life's pleasures, depending, that is, on how much joy you derive from arguing with your wife about why she has to spend half an hour pedaling a stationary bike before she can toast an English muffin.

But if you're not quite ready to embrace an entire lifestyle change around screaming at your spouse, not to worry, there are still small steps you can take to reduce your so-called "carbon footprint." One suggestion we frequently hear is to swap out all our incandescent light bulbs for the more environmentally friendly fluorescent bulbs. Not only are fluorescent bulbs more energy efficient, we're told, but they emit light that renders the vast majority of people so unattractive that such a switch would automatically send birthrates plummeting.

Then again, maybe even the small step of changing a light bulb involves too much exertion, especially if you've just polished off yet another box of Snackwells. Thankfully, there is a new eco-friendly activity ideally suited to people who lead a more sedentary lifestyle, and all you have to do is die. That's because, according to a recent AP story, folks today who have made the transition from environmentally conscious to permanently unconscious are increasingly choosing "green" funerals featuring cardboard caskets, pure fiber clothes and dry ice as a preservative instead of formaldehyde. Of course, the idea for accelerating one's decomposition process was pioneered by Iran's late Ayatollah Khomeini who famously chose to forgo the pomp and circumstance of a state funeral in favor of having throngs of followers use his corpse as a human pinata.

But whether you're a devout mourner dismembering a beloved religious figure or a concerned citizen looking for ways to save the planet, there's still truth to that old saying: "Every little bit helps."


Malcolm Fleschner is eager for reader tips on other ways Americans can "go green," preferably without leaving the recliner, at Malcolm@CultureShlock.com.