Jan 11, 2008

Yet another growing concern

Malcolm Fleschner / Humor Columnist

Unless you reside in one of the vowel-intensive farming states like Iowa or Ohio, you may not be aware that Congress is currently hammering out this year's $288 billion Farm Bill. Despite the hefty price tag, Americans have so far paid little attention to the proposed legislation, primarily because federal agricultural policy is, as even industry experts readily admit, "totally boring."

As more Americans have abandoned rural life to settle in cities and suburbs, we have become increasingly disconnected from our food sources. Studies show that today the average teenager, when asked where his or her food actually comes from, will typically say, "um, the food court?" when the correct answer is, of course, "the supermarket."

When evaluating the merits of the Farm Bill, and whether the U.S. government should continue doling out our tax dollars to agribusinesss giants like Archer Daniels Midland, we must first consider the critical role agriculture has played in the development of human civilization (really, we must).

Historians tell us that the first domestication of wild grains probably occurred about 12,000 years ago in what is now part of modern-day Iraq. This area was labeled the "Fertile Crescent," presumably because prehistoric developers understood, just as we do today, the power of giving planned communities silly, pretentious-sounding names like "Pine Tree Meadow," "Vista Ridge Gardens" or "Trump Towers."

The crops planted by these early "proto-farmers" included wheat, barley, peas, lentils, chickpeas and something the Wikipedia article I got this information from refers to as "bitter vetch."

Proto-farmer 1: "What is this we're eating, a different strain of wheat?"
Proto-farmer 2: "No, it's a new grain I've been planting. How do you like it?"
Proto-farmer 1: "Hmm, it's really, um, what's the word I'm looking for ... ?"
Proto-farmer 2: "Bitter?"
Proto-farmer 1: "That's it!"

During the next two thousand years, plant cultivation spread to Egypt's Nile Valley, where seasonal flooding created nutrient-rich soil but also posed unexpected difficulties around harvest time, such as the barley fields becoming infested with crocodiles. After suffering many generations of crop failures, these early Egyptians eventually, thanks to diligence and ingenuity, became the first farmers in history to apply for federal aid.

By the Middle Ages, other innovations such as hydraulic irrigation techniques, advances in pest control and the introduction of the "moldboard" plow (so-called because it is a kind of plow) helped transform the lives of farmers from a never-ending drudgery into a merely miserable occupation. This era also witnessed the growing use of crop rotation, in which a field that during one growing season had been used to raise a certain plant would, the following year, be turned into a giant communal graveyard for all the people who had died of bubonic plague.

Here in the United States, our agricultural history consists of an unbroken series of positive contributions to the rest of the world (not counting, perhaps, minor blips like the millions of deaths directly attributable to our promotion of tobacco use and the centuries-long enslavement of an entire race of people, but why quibble?). No doubt the high-water mark in American agriculture policy occurred during the Depression when, to deal with an oversupply of wheat and corn, Roosevelt's government began paying many farmers not to grow crops.

This was fine by the farmers who, frankly, were not so hot on farming, what with the early hours and all. Unfortunately, some greedy types took advantage of the government's generosity, demanding payment for all the additional hard work they weren't doing by not growing other crops such as rice, sorghum, alfalfa, soybeans and, for those with access to Wikipedia, bitter vetch. Despite these bad apples (ha!), the program proved to be an unqualified success, helping put the nation back on the road to prosperity.

Today perhaps the most heated controversy raging in the agricultural community involves genetically engineered crops. Supporters of the practice argue that bioengineering is harmless, and will help feed a rapidly growing global population. Opposition to so-called "Frankenfoods" is strong in certain quarters, although not quite so fervent ever since a prominent leader in the movement to ban them was crushed in a freak accident involving two 500-pound potatoes.

The use of genetically modified crops is just one of the many issues addressed in the Farm Bill, which those of you with good memories will remember is the topic of this column. Other subjects under consideration include promoting conservation, support for ethanol, and whether the federal government should continue to provide money to (this is true) farmers who have discontinued their agricultural practices because they are, technically speaking, deceased.

Although I have yet to take a definitive stance on this bill, I admit it bothers me that Americans could be subsidizing members of an entire work force for not doing much of anything. I mean, besides Congress, that is.



Join the droves of readers who regularly e-mail Malcolm to complain that he's the one being paid for doing nothing at Malcolm@CultureShlock.com.